The Next Generation gave us loads of great television. From Locutus of Borg to Data’s struggles with what it means to be human, from “There are four lights!” to the rise of the Klingons as a viable subculture, from the fully-rounded ensemble cast to just about every line uttered by the inimitable Patrick Stewart, TNG represented the evolution of Trek to the blend of sci-fi and character-driven drama that would characterize it in all its future incarnations. (Okay, maybe not Enterprise.)
But, like all shows, TNG had its share of episodes that were, well, less than stellar. You’ll notice that, on my list, the first, second, and last seasons are well-represented, indicating that, once it escaped the influence of the Original Series, TNG really hit its stride. Most of its early clunkers, in fact, resulted from its trying to bring 60′s values and plotlines to a generation that had moved past them. The pasteboard treatments of “noble” Africans in “Code of Honor” and “folksy” Irish in “Up the Long Ladder,” as well as the uneasy portrayal of a matriarchal society in “Angel One,” smack too heavily of TOS’s own prejudices — acceptable in the 60′s but not twenty years later.
In seasons 3 through 6, TNG got over its growing pains to become a credible series in its own right, instead of a clunky impostor of the original. Season 7 was a bit weaker, succumbing to blandness (“Gambit,” “Homeward”) and weird-for-weird’s sake (“Genesis,” “Phantasms”), but it still contained many great character moments (“Dark Page,” “The Pegasus”). Nonetheless, it makes its fair share of appearances here, on my personal list of the 10 Worst Episodes of TNG:
10. On Betazed, You Can Be A Little Bit Pregnant: “The Child,” Season 2
Why it’s bad: When a show starts with Troi getting knocked up by Tinkerbell, you know it’s all downhill from there. Plus, she gives birth to one of those plot devices T.V. children who conveniently die at the end of the episode, never to be mentioned again. It’s a cheap attempt to tug at the viewers’ heartstrings which is doomed to fail because: a) we know they’re not keeping the kid on the show, so we’re not going to get too attached to him; and, b) Troi’s ditziness just lends itself too easily to jokes about Betazed birth control and what Riker said when he found out the Goddess of Empathy was having morning sickness.
Bright spots: You can play Spot-The-Trek-Firsts, as there are lots of them: Pulaski, Guinan, Riker’s beard, Ten-Forward, and a sash for Worf that’s not made out of burlap.
Snarkability: About the same as any Troi episode.
9. What Happens On The Original Series . . . : “The Royale,” Season 2
Why it’s bad: It’s just like those “backlot” episodes of the Original Series, in which the crew would visit a planet that resembled the Wild West or a Native American village or 1920′s Chicago, simply because the show had a low budget and those were the sets Paramount already had available. But there’s no excuse for TNG, which presumably had a larger budget, to stoop to this kind of cost-cutting measure. Most of “The Royale” takes place on a boring casino set, complete with one-dimensional characters like a dumb showgirl and a gambler in a ten-gallon hat (creatively named “Tex”). Data also dons a hat and adopts a Texan swagger and generally makes himself as annoying as possible. The episode’s barely space-y and you’ll be barely awake by the time it’s over.
Bright spots: None.
Snarkability: Low, but if you chug whenever someone speaks in a bad Texas accent you’ll be drunk in no time.
8. You Are Hearing Me Puke: “Force of Nature,” Season 7
Why it’s bad: It undercuts a fundamental tenet of the Trek universe — warp capability — to make a lame and obvious point about the environment. In this episode, we’re told that warp fields create damaging “rifts” in space that put entire civilizations at risk. Now, if Starfleet gave up warp power, there wouldn’t even be a Starfleet — but think of all the ecosystems we’d save! Seriously, did Al Gore write this one? The episode ends without a solution to the warp drive problem, but, fortunately for the franchise, the issue is never mentioned again.
Bright spots: Well, Spot! Data and Geordi spend the entire B-plot squabbling over how best to train Spot to behave. Which is great if you like cute kitties, and not so great if you like good writing.
Snarkability: Low, unfortunately.
7. Póg Mo Thóin!: “Up The Long Ladder,” Season 2
Why it’s bad: This episode is basically one long, extended Irish joke. It’s like a “Top O’ The Mornin’” skit that never ends. There’s jigs and whiskey and pipes and brogues and harps and shamrocks — I’m half surprised a space leprechaun never popped out of a Jeffries tube. Plus, the episode does that annoying Original Series thing where the crew is positioned as the Golden Mean, while all other cultures are portrayed as primitive, repressed, or just plain weird.
Bright spots: The Klingon tea ceremony! It’s Pulaski’s finest moment, and it provides further evidence that the Klingons had to be based on Asian culture.
Snarkability: Depends on your tolerance for Irish jokes.
6. Shades of Pompousness: “Shades of Gray,” Season 2
Why it’s bad: It’s a clip show that takes place only one-and-a-half-seasons into a program. Yes, I know there was a writers’ strike on, but surely they could have done better than the tired “character gets amnesia and the other members of the cast have to jog his memory” plot? And why center it on Riker? Why not let us see into Troi’s brain, which I imagine to be a sparkly wonderland filled with chocolate, or, better yet, Worf’s? They could just have Michael Dorn do a voiceover over the clips, telling us what Worf was thinking at the time of each incident. I know I could listen to variations on “PataQ! He was a man without honor,” for a solid hour.
Bright spots: Well, you’ll never be tempted to revisit Season 1 after watching Riker relive it.
Snarkability: More like snoozeability.
5. Let’s Hear It For The Toilet Paper!: “Justice,” Season 1
Why it’s bad: The crew land on a planet inhabited by nubile, randy young men and women wearing only scraps of Charmin, and Wesley has to go and ruin their fun by almost getting executed. Our boy Wes also forfeits his Y chromosome when a lovely lass invites him to go off and “play” with her, and he suggests a wholesome game of baseball instead. But instead of ridding himself of the kid once and for all (“Sorry, Beverly, I can’t violate the Prime Directive for the sake of one nerd”), Picard beams down and makes a sanctimonious speech about how justice shouldn’t depend on rigid laws, which, we are supposed to believe, so impresses the “gods” of the planet that they let everyone off scot free. (Then Wesley comes up with a 342-page plan on how to make the Bridge more efficient, and Picard pushes him out an airlock, announcing, “And justice is served!”. That’s in the deleted scenes.)
Bright spots: Rivan’s greeting of Worf: “And I welcome this huge one!” Snerk.
Snarkability: Extreme. You could riff for hours on the “costumes” alone.
4. The Admirals Are Revolting!: “Conspiracy,” Season 1
Why it’s bad: The Visual Effects department must spent half a season’s budget on this doozy: the episode looks like Trek crossed with Nightmare on Elm Street by way of Wrath of Khan. People barf up larvae, admirals chow down on mealworms, plastic purple scorpions skitter unconvincingly across the floor, and one guy’s head explodes. It’s B-movie bad, and impossible to take seriously — even Patrick Stewart can’t save it.
Bright spots: Great for fans who hate admirals — and that’s pretty much all of us.
Snarkability: Intense. We’re talking MST3K-grade snark here.
3. The Bald Man’s Burden: “Journey’s End,” Season 7
Why it’s bad: Moralizing, pseudo-Native American spiritual mumbo-jumbo, and Wesley validation. What more could you not want from an episode? Pulling a page from the Janeway/Archer playbook, the writers get up on their soapbox with a hamfisted “parallel” to the disenfranchisement of the Native Americans during the settling of the American West. Of course, these Native Americans have only been on their “home” planet for twenty years, and, if they stay, they’ll all get wiped out by the Cardassians, but we’re still expected to think it’s a grave injustice that Starfleet wants to relocate them. (Psst, guys! Seize this chance to resettle on Risa!) And then the Traveler reappears to take Wesley to “other planes of existence,” by which I’m guessing he means one heck of a ganja trip.
Bright spots: No more Wesley! Okay, there are only six more episodes left in the series, but those six episodes are still guaranteed to be Wesley-free!
Snarkability: Moderate. Ganja and Chakotay jokes will abound.
2. A Garbage Bag With A ‘Tude: “Skin of Evil,” Season 1
Why it’s bad: A major character is killed off in a way befitting a TOS redshirt. Actually, getting killed by a grumpy trash bag is even worse than how most redshirts died: I bet that, in Starfleet Valhalla, the dude who got blown up by the exploding rock on “The Apple” looked down at poor Tasha Yar and went, “Man, now that’s embarrassing.” Rarely has an episode been so completely spoiled by bad special effects: I’m surprised Picard and Riker didn’t just taunt Armus to death. “I am PURE EVIL!” “Pure petroleum?” “No, EEEEEVIL!” “Did you hear something, sir?” “No, but this planet is filthy. Too bad there’s not a HEFTY HEFTY CINCH SAK anywhere around!”
You know, if the writers really wanted something scary and oil-related, they should have gone with this guy.
Bright spots: Tasha’s touching farewell to the crew.
Snarkability: Off the charts.
Drumroll, please . . .
1. We’ll Have What She’s Having!: “Sub Rosa,” Season 7
Why it’s bad: Whoever wrote this one must have been reading a Harlequin romance at the time — an especially corny Harlequin romance, and, alas, a racy one. Never in my life do I again want to witness Beverly Crusher moaning and writhing and licking her lips on screen. Ew, I feel dirty just typing that. Besides the squick factor, “Sub Rosa” is cheesier than the day shift at the Velveeta plant, what with the twee, fog-cloaked Scottish village, the “hunky” laird, the cottage crammed with the entire contents of the fake flower aisle at A. C. Moore, the zombie grandma, and, of course, the booty call candle. Crusher, I don’t care how badly you want to make Jean-Luc jealous, that ghost did your grandma. And she’s none too pleased about it, either:
Bright spots: P/C ‘shippers will appreciate Picard’s barely-contained jealousy as he confronts Beverly and Ronin.
Snarkability: High, if you can stop covering your eyes and ears long enough to mock it.
(Dis)Honorable Mention:
“Angel One,” Season 1
Let’s see, a society run by women where all the men sport feathered hair, lamé shirts open to the waist, and skintight leggings. I’m guessing this civilization dies out in, oh, two generations.
“Aquiel,” Season 6
Geordi finds romance — and the audience finds a substitute for Ambien — in this snoozefest.
“The Game,” Season 5
Once again, Riker’s womanizing ways threaten the safety of the Enterprise. And Wesley kisses a girl. You’ll need Purel for your brain after watching this one.
“Hide and Q,” Season 1
When Riker gains Q-like powers, the blind see, the lonely find mates, and Wesley is briefly turned into a gay Nordic skier in a horrible sweater.
“Night Terrors,” Season 4
Go towards the light, Deanna!
